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In My Email Today: Quotes That Make You Smile

Sun, 08/15/2010 - 9:05am — decibel.places

A few quotes to make you smile...

 
 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter
(mother of Jimmy Carter)
 
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 I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'  
Eleanor Roosevelt
 
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. 
 
Mark Twain
 
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
 
George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
 
Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
 
Mark Twain
 
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 
Socrates
 
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 
Groucho Marx
 
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
 
Jimmy Durante
 
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I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
 
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
 
Alex Levine
 
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
 
Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
 
Spike Milligan
 
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
 
Joe Namath
 
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
 
Bob Hope
 
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
 
W. C. Fields
 
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
 
Will Rogers 
 
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.
 
Winston Churchill
 
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
 
Phyllis Diller
 
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
 
Billy Crystal
 
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And the cardiologist' s diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.

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